In the Bedroom after the War

October 1, 2009
0110 and counting...
Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 2:15 AM

Today i woke up in camp & i felt abandonment. It is the most profound of feelings.
The previous day, nerve shattering news got to me that i would replace a duty personnel. It isn't my first, but it was a surprise.

I wished i had been special. Wouldn't it be nice, at a word, my turbulent life rock back to normal? For my sake, i wished people would have been responsible. I understood they wouldn't, but would be held responsible for being such an idiot instead. I wonder why though. But i definitely couldn't dodge this sucker punch.

I felt i was powerless, then after a blink of my eye and the adjustment of my uniform i felt powerful.

At the speed of a sms, people rescheduled their lives. I wished at the speed of a sms, my army world would learn to be nice.

I was caught in the moment, realizing that i had changed the course of the day of a few people, feeling like a total jerk & wondering what if those in power there and then in my army camp would have a heart like mine.

I would really like to expedite shutting down the alarm, sitting up, rubbing my eyes, crawling out of bed, taking a shower, putting on my uniform & taking the bus to my army camp. Yet at the same time, i wouldn't want my after 5 to run down so fast.

It has been unbelievable how i lived in that environment. It has been long but i am only still 1yr into putting on my uniform. My heart is dead but i still go to camp because the laws are long.

I need national service to be history.

I sit in a office & look conspicuously busy when i am not. I feel an abandonment even up into 1yr as a soldier. I work daily around satirist & i smile to the rhythm of their sarcasm.

I guess that's the way people survive in the army. It's pretty funny if you listen to the sarcasm. The intent was make to laugh. But for me, it's pretty dead.

I look at the clock right there in my room every night but i look right through it. I feel like i am hallucinating. I see the same clock that is right that in my army office.

It is a pain, real pain to watch from a far. And it will be painful for 12 more months. Abandonment would be my friend.

But at last, i will see the light. All visionaries learned to be lonely.
As i scroll down the list of messages in my phone, i have mixed feelings.
"I am tough for i am a visionary"
"I am lonely and i need a friend"

Forever i will have this ingrained in me & it will make me great.
Tonight, i got home after a routine meeting. The people were excited.
One of them said to me,"there's a team feeling", "it's like one word and we all do it".
Undoubtedly, that brought a smile to my face.
Every time i speak, it feels to me like all these people take every word so seriously.

I look at numbers, lives & the calendar & i feel a buzzing.
Right now, the people's voices resonate in my mind, their faces flash right behind my eyes.
It feels like accomplishment. It feels like satisfaction.

Then it dawned on me, that perhaps it all happened because i am in the army.
And that abandonment grown me.

Ain't it interesting when you always rise by the very same thing that destroyed you once upon a time?

Come, destroy me, but you will never keep me destroyed.

p.s i am so honest today haha