In the Bedroom after the War
|
October 15, 2009
ON THE MOVE Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 1:05 AM MOVED TO HERE!!! October 12, 2009 A piece of paper Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 1:57 AM Sometimes the circumstances in your life taints the little modicum of purity inside of you. Its like clean white fresh crispy paper because stepped on. Technology allows us to get the dirty piece of paper back to its once white fresh crispy self. Do you call that chemical treatment or recycling? Whatever it is, i don't want to be tech-ed on. I spoils me. I don't want to be a recycled piece of paper. But i have no choice. When i decided to do life, ineluctably i also make a couple of commitments on the way. They are the things that either add color or stain to my paper. Everyone would have thought perhaps the safe way to do life is to not be committed and radical about anything and escaping all forms of commitment. Or like some others, probably they eat, drink & be merry. They play. That's probably why we have the typical television image of an on top of the world rockstar strutting his stuff and living a crazy life. At the end of the day, a piece of fresh paper is usually left unattended. It is just like one of those others in the stack. It has not significance and importance no matter how clean, crispy and fresh it is. So i rather get some commitments, move about in life, learn from mistakes if i make them, benefit from commitments if they are good ones. Either way they add something unto our my paper. Stains or Colors, i become a tad ahead of clean white paper. We may throw away dirty stained papers but at least, you tried doing something with that paper before you dirtied it. We probably will keep goodlooking & colorful papers. I want to be a colorful piece of art. I need to first do something with my life, get a vision, not remain just another piece of white fresh paper on the tray. Then i need to make good commitments, decide well, make good decisions, not dirty my paper but add color to them. I need to decide well, grow in character & walk into my destiny. (: October 9, 2009 Hello & Go Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 12:55 AM Hello (: Just 1 thing & off to bed.. 1ONE THING - Year End is HERE! We are a few weeks away from top gear. I gladly assume that you know what 'top gear' is. By now some of the students would have finished their exams. By next week though, 'N' Levels, JC Promotionals & every every other secondary school level except your GCE 'O' & 'A' level students would have been done with their examinations. Polytechnics school term is resuming and probably after 1 month it will be test period. University examinations also about 1 month away. Nonetheless & whatever the schedule, it is the END OF THE YEAR, and that marks the beginning of excitement. This Saturday is Pledge Day. Next weekend is Seminar with Pastor Kong. Last week of November is Mens United Conference. And we haven't mentioned Christmas, etc. There are plenty of exciting things installed for us. Time to revolve our lives around the church calendar. Lastly, time to invite a lot of our friends to church. Miss this period, miss the wave. I don't want to see you pulling your ear out missing all these out. Hahaha, gdnight & have fun! I am tired, incoherent & the specious truth is that it is late and time for bed. I have to go. BYE! We'll see if i go to bed. October 3, 2009 Get it or not, i can't type it Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 1:38 AM It is fairly simple. I am a young adult. You can call me a youth, it's fine. Youth have got a lot of passion. But sometimes it becomes irritating. We grow too passionate that we become small. We talk about what we do so passionately that what we do becomes a trap we fall into. We become limited. I'm just feeling that i need to grow. I don't want to google what great man did when they were 21yrs old, it will be very depressive. Today i want to live a little bit differently. Kinda like be secure in who i am, my abilities, my position in Christ but then know that God is so BIG, no matter how busy i think i am, i am 1 person in 6 billion and though i am significant i am equally insignificant. Do i know how big God is? No... the truth is that i think i will say God is so big my mind cannot comprehend Him. But that sentence alone is too small for God. Just for example, if you don't understand french, no matter how smart you are, it is just foreign to you. I am guessing God's ways are so foreign that our minds would never have had the capacity to think just how big He is. It's like you listening to french. Never in your life you thought a sentence would be spoken that way. It's the same thing with God. I am very small. I thought i think big thoughts until i see what other people at other nations do at 21. I thought i did big things. I need to get bigger. Time to get bigger. When you are small, you get proud, then you get smaller, then you get more haughty and you are doom. The thing about getting bigger is not to be just passionate but also about having love. If you have big enough a heart, you will conceive big enough a dream & live it out subsequently. It's not how big your passion is. I don't know if you get it. Don't just be passionate. Be compassionate. Have love. Love opens up your mind. Makes it bigger. I read a tweet this morning and it blew my mind. Put me back into perspective. October 1, 2009 0110 and counting... Ivan 'Vern' Poh from URL @ 2:15 AM Today i woke up in camp & i felt abandonment. It is the most profound of feelings. The previous day, nerve shattering news got to me that i would replace a duty personnel. It isn't my first, but it was a surprise. I wished i had been special. Wouldn't it be nice, at a word, my turbulent life rock back to normal? For my sake, i wished people would have been responsible. I understood they wouldn't, but would be held responsible for being such an idiot instead. I wonder why though. But i definitely couldn't dodge this sucker punch. I felt i was powerless, then after a blink of my eye and the adjustment of my uniform i felt powerful. At the speed of a sms, people rescheduled their lives. I wished at the speed of a sms, my army world would learn to be nice. I was caught in the moment, realizing that i had changed the course of the day of a few people, feeling like a total jerk & wondering what if those in power there and then in my army camp would have a heart like mine. I would really like to expedite shutting down the alarm, sitting up, rubbing my eyes, crawling out of bed, taking a shower, putting on my uniform & taking the bus to my army camp. Yet at the same time, i wouldn't want my after 5 to run down so fast. It has been unbelievable how i lived in that environment. It has been long but i am only still 1yr into putting on my uniform. My heart is dead but i still go to camp because the laws are long. I need national service to be history. I sit in a office & look conspicuously busy when i am not. I feel an abandonment even up into 1yr as a soldier. I work daily around satirist & i smile to the rhythm of their sarcasm. I guess that's the way people survive in the army. It's pretty funny if you listen to the sarcasm. The intent was make to laugh. But for me, it's pretty dead. I look at the clock right there in my room every night but i look right through it. I feel like i am hallucinating. I see the same clock that is right that in my army office. It is a pain, real pain to watch from a far. And it will be painful for 12 more months. Abandonment would be my friend. But at last, i will see the light. All visionaries learned to be lonely. As i scroll down the list of messages in my phone, i have mixed feelings. "I am tough for i am a visionary" "I am lonely and i need a friend" Forever i will have this ingrained in me & it will make me great. Tonight, i got home after a routine meeting. The people were excited. One of them said to me,"there's a team feeling", "it's like one word and we all do it". Undoubtedly, that brought a smile to my face. Every time i speak, it feels to me like all these people take every word so seriously. I look at numbers, lives & the calendar & i feel a buzzing. Right now, the people's voices resonate in my mind, their faces flash right behind my eyes. It feels like accomplishment. It feels like satisfaction. Then it dawned on me, that perhaps it all happened because i am in the army. And that abandonment grown me. Ain't it interesting when you always rise by the very same thing that destroyed you once upon a time? Come, destroy me, but you will never keep me destroyed. p.s i am so honest today haha
|